party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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