if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
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DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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