Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
