You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
