The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
