my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
