smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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