it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
