hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
