I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
