I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Well I just put wine in my tea
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
