well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
