A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
