She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
