I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
