What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize