I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
