Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
