You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
did you just send me my own nude
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
