Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
