I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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