i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
