I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
