sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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