I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
