so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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