you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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