I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
