Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
