You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
