We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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