So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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