i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
