i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
where does the pee come out of this thing
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
