they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
