my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
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Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
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I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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