I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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