dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need to align my fucking chakras
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
