I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
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The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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