Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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