weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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