I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
oh god the rape fog is back!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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