So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
