apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
