I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
