we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
