Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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