def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
