i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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