There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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