Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
